By Rosana Braga | English Edition: Ann Fain
I’m talking about the silence that respects the person you love, the omission that avoids jealousy, insecurity and tears. I’ve spent most of my life believing that in a relationship everything should be said without omissions or lies. It took me a long time to realize that there are some unnecessary truths.
Nowadays, I see that certain circumstances happen in our lives that don’t amount to anything positive when told to the other person in the relationship. These revelations only cause pain and resentment, ultimately serving much more as a means of torture rather than something that aids in solving problems or clearing up misunderstandings.
I know that this opinion can be very controversial, and I want to be clear that I’m not advocating for the lie that is convenient for the one who tells it. I’m talking about the silence that respects the person you love, the omission that avoids jealousy, insecurity and tears. I’m not trying to encourage lying and unfaithfulness, but rather defending the right that we all have of not hearing what we don’t want to. If you’re safe with your conscience and you really have the intention to invest in this love, why enter in subjects that can harm the other person and bring about hurtful feelings like anger and insecurity?
I’ve seen couples that, through either an immature decision or by instinct, carelessly divulge details of certain events or unnecessarily reveal things that have happened in the past, which have absolutely no importance to their relationship, and which ultimately result in changing their partner’s feelings. These unnecessary truths raise doubts that affect self-esteem and put cracks in ones self-confidence.
Words can be essential when used to put the other in a position where he or she is made known about a true feeling (be it reciprocal or not) or about something that is significant enough to have a negative influence on the relationship. Otherwise, they’re absolutely unnecessary and only serve as a kind of match that ignites a fire that will burn the harmony between two people who love each other. Of course, everything becomes easier when both people are aware of this and one doesn’t bother the other with unnecessary questions, trying to investigate a situation at any cost and without a valuable reason. In the end, this behavior will only serve to confirm the popular saying that goes: “if you’re looking for something, you for sure will find it”.
Make some investments on intentions and valid words, on constructive truths and on the sincere desire to make the things work out. If everyone could behave this way, I’m pretty sure that a lot less people would feel so fragile and so scared of loving again as a result of having been exposed to painful words and empty and impertinent truths.
Remember, when you feel the urge to shoot words at the other person like a machine gun, breath slowly, turn around and leave… Later, with a clear head back on your shoulder, you’ll for sure be able to say what has to be said without the temptation to hurt the other person as a way to defend yourself of whatever it may be. Finally, bear it in mind that to spare a heart is always a big act of love, especially in the moments when this seems like the hardest option.
* Rosana Braga is a Brazilian journalist and author of several books on self-help and relationships. She has contributed with Soul Brasil during the three first years of the magazine – www.rosanabraga.com.br